Friday, June 6, 2014

California's SB 967; The Sex Contract


In the "Nothing from Kalifornia can shock me anymore" mode, I just read that the liberals in Sacramento, not happy that they are unable to completely regulate human behavior, have put together California law SB 967 intended to prevent "acts of passion" with respect to all sexual activity.

The law stipulates that "sexual consent between sexual partners must be assured during each stage of the sexual act".  So that no one misunderstand the "mutual sex" concept, couples who participate in the sex act should assess each stage of sexual passion as separate and specific and force both partners to gauge the relative acceptance of each sexual gesture.

Aimed to bring sanity to campus sex, SB 967 stipulates that state funding will be withdrawn from any university campus who fail to comply with the proposed law and who fail to formulate written policy stipulating that some manner of mutual sexual consent must be documentable and defensible.

For those who find this legislative gobble-gook a bit muddy, basically, those Sacramento liberals are shooting for sexual couples to use a checklist where both parties sign off/initial a written checklist so that mutual sexual consent can be "verified".    It might go something like this.

1) Couple find close lip kissing pleasant and enjoyable.
2) Couple initiate open mouth/french kissing/tongue swapping kissing without protest from either party
3) Couple embrace, wrapping arms around each other by mutual agreement
4) Male detects some degree of female willingness when he slides his hand over her breast region and find nipples distended, indicating passion
5) The female hand, resting on the male's lap, detects male erection, indicating a desire to consummate the sexual act
6) Male slides hand up the females blouse and cups breast through bra; female does not voice any objection to this act.
7) Male reaches behind female and unhooks bra; female voices no objections
8) Mutual heavy breathing ensues, indicating both couples are intent on committing the sexual act
9) Female infers willingness to engage in sexual act by pulling down male zipper and extracting engorged penis
10) Both partners shed clothes.  If sexual activity occurs in front seat of car, gear shift is forwarded to "PARK" position to afford "woman on top" sexual position.  If more room is needed, couple move to the back seat.  If sexual activity occurs at either partner's domicile, couple may drop to the floor or move to the bed, with either activity indicating the sex act remains consensual.
11) The male must move finger to female genitalia to insure his female partner is well lubricated and the clitoris sufficiently extended, thus clearly sexually willing.
12) Prior to sexual coupling, couple must mutually agree that condom is present, of a mutually agreeable size and color and is installed properly on the male penis.
13) Male must state at least once before penis insertion:  "are you sure you want this?"
14) Female must audibly voice assent with such statements as "sock it to me" or "'come on big me what you got!"
15) At any point during coitus the male must be willing to cease and desist if the female expresses a desire to stop, or claim a last minute "headache".
16) Assuming the sex act is consummated, the male must be willing to participate in post coital cuddling to preclude the "wham bam, thank you ma'am syndrome"

Failure to complete the above checklist during any point in the sexual act will subject either partner to a charge of date rape and the full force of the law shall be levied against anyone who violates California law SB 967.

Folks, I can't make this stuff California SB 967 lest you end up in the hoose-gow, sharing a cell with a burly "lonely" fella who can't read checklists.  


  1. Better be careful, the Government is out to protect us!

  2. Yes, Jerry...what will they think of next in the way of protection...that's what worries me.